jellybean domination

The things that scare me now -- now that I'm pregnant, that is -- compared to the things that used to scare me are remarkably different. Almost laughably so.

Of course, that isn't to diminish or discount my previous fears. Hardly. They were really quite scary, if I do say so myself!

Things like my dog getting sick. Saying something dumb at work in front of a bunch of people. Someone breaking into my apartment, hiding in the closet, and then attacking me in my sleep. Rats on the subway.

Scary right? But in an instant these all vanished. And brand new ones took their place in the space I use to dwell.

Weird changes happening to my body. A giant football-sized being emerging from a hole that seems way too tiny. Not being in control... of anything really. Not being enough for my child.

The shift is so profound, that last night even though I was alone in the apartment, I didn't bother checking the closets (mostly because it occurred to me after I laid down and I was too exhausted to get up). Just let someone attack me, I thought to myself. Just try and hurt me when I'm carrying this little jellybean inside me. Oh, how you'll regret it.

Let's be real, though: I'm way too skittish to ever grow out of checking the closets before going to bed at night.

But, suddenly, it seems like I have new fears that are a lot more pressing.