me: a hot mess

If there's one thing women don't talk nearly enough about during pregnancy it's this -- anxiety. According to some studies, a quarter of pregnant women experience significant anxiety. But we don't need official studies to tell us this. We can see it for ourselves. Just look at all the posts in your due date message boards:

"I'm so worried..."

"Feeling nervous about..."

"Need to vent..."

"Help!"

See that? Maybe these mamas haven't been officially diagnosed as being anxious or having an anxiety disorder. But still. That's anxiety.

If anything, those so-called "studies" are underestimating the problem.

Anxiety is something I've struggled with for most of my life. I've been seeing a therapist for the last four years to help manage it. At best, it's annoying and uncomfortable. At worst, it's painful, crippling and personality changing -- meaning that sometimes I'm so paralyzed by how upset and anxious I feel that I can't make decisions or I lash out in anger and frustration at my loved ones (poor Dan and the dog who get to bear the brunt of this). And it's definitely gotten worse since I got pregnant. Which apparently isn't so uncommon. Yet, this makes me sad, because I was determined to enjoy this part of my life to the fullest. Yet, I've spent so much time during these first few months worrying.

Are there worse health conditions and personal issues to have to deal with during pregnancy -- and ultimately in life? Absolutely. But that's hardly a reason to tell women with anxiety to suck it up and deal or calm down because, hey, it could be a lot worse. Knowing there are worse things isn't comforting to me. It just makes me feel guilty for not being able to always handle my small stuff in the best way. And guilt + anxiety is a bad combination.

I'm trying to break the cycle of not acknowledging and not talking about my anxiety and then ultimately feeling worse for trying to swallow down the worry. My motivation is to be as mentally healthy as possible for my child and for my family. What does this "breaking the cycle" actually entail? Overall, it means being honest about what I'm feeling and not being afraid to be open about things that are weighing on me with Dan or close friends. But there's more to it than that...

The first step was talking to my midwife about it and asking for suggestions to help manage it better during my pregnancy. This sounds simple, right? Practically a non-issue, if you will. But for me it was super scary. I don't like asking for help. I'm so glad I did, though, because she helped me come up with an action plan (which involved working from home one day a week and getting a referral for a reproductive psychiatrist to discuss medication options).

The second step was talking to my boss about the work from home plan (and getting permission, obviously). If the midwife conversation was scary, this one was downright mortifying. At work, I take pride in projecting this image of myself as being laid-back, go-with-the-flow, positive and always in control. Dropping this facade of perfection and admitting that sometimes I really don't have it all together was extraordinarily difficult. I cried a little. But, again, I'm so glad I did it because she was really supportive and is allowing me to work from home once a week.

The last step is something I haven't been able to achieve yet -- it's a work of progress and a little challenging to articulate. One of the strategies that has worked well for calming me down is to take yoga-like deep breaths and envision myself in my "happy place." In the past, this "happy place" is typically a pristine beach in Florida or another relaxing place I've traveled to and held in my memory. Envisioning myself in this calm environment is enough to halt repetitive anxious thoughts -- at least for a little while.

So far, the vacation happy place hasn't been enough to relieve me during this pregnancy. I think it's because I need an alternative "place" -- a place or vision related to the baby to put my focus and trust. I've never had a baby, so conjuring up this "place" has been something of a challenge.

But I'm determined to manifest one -- even if it takes some time, patience and concentration.

How do you deal with your anxiety -- in pregnancy or in life?